“Our needs are the present manifestation of the divine energy within us” ~Marshall Rosenberg
How are you BEing in the universe today, and how’s the universe experiencing your being in this moment?
Nice to have you back for Day 3 of ‘Make That Change in 4 Days: The e (is for Empathy) Course! Are you FIRED UP & ready to discover the 3rd piece of the resolving conflict puzzle?
Part 3: Needs
On day one (http://wp.me/P5dLI9-p) we explored making clear & objective observations (direct quote or observable behavior, starting with the word ‘When’)! Day two (http://wp.me/P5dLIv-2) was about the language of the soul (feelings), and how to make the distinction between a natural feeling and a thought masquerading as a feeling (does it describe another persons behavior?), and on Day 3 we touch on the ’80’ in the 80/20 conflict resolution split (needs), where if we spend 20% of our time on feelings, observations & beliefs, and 80% of our time on values (or our needs), we’ll come up with an AWESOME CONNECTION…ya feel me? 😉
MAKE THAT CHANGE song time:
♪I never feel more given to then when you receive from me,
When you understand the JOY I feel, giving to you,
I want you to know my giving isn’t done to put you in my debt, but because I want to live the love I feel for you,
To receive with grace may be the greatest giving, there’s no way I can separate the two, When you give to me I give you my receiving, and when you receive from me, I feel so GIVEN TO♪ (lyrics by Marshall Rosenberg)
I used to think needs were those whiny things (described in this 4 minute #MusicalPoem) that people would complain about. Then I realized coming from a place of scarcity & fear, they are, but emanating from abundance and love, needs are a way we express what’s ALIVE in us! They’re the universal life blood that we all share (our collective majors), where the strategies we use to meet those needs (our individual minors) distract our attention from the symphony!
“We can no more afford to spend major time on minor things,
than we can to spend minor time on major things” ~Jim Rohn #LiveItBook by @JairekRobbins
Now smile for 31 seconds 😉
…and put the kind of look you’d have on your face (and breathe the way you would) if you felt totally enthusiastic.
Here’s how I like to explain needs (or values)! So I’m giving a Playshop and we’ve just covered observations! One of the participants (after I asked how specific behaviors left people feeling) stands up & says “DISRESPECTED”! When the group put that word through the THOUGHT LENS (Is it a descriptor of another persons behavior?) the unanimous vote was Yes (ergo not a feeling)! But it’s not a thought either! It’s One of those rare cultural words we use as a feeling that’s actually an unmet need (respect)…ya with me?
So I said, “Sounds like it’s really frustrating when your need for respect isn’t met by what this other person does (or says)?” And if you’ve ever held someone’s heart in your hands and connected with their soul, you’ll understand when I say he exhaled from such a deep space of being seen & heard, that the entire room started vibrating Mayan/Incan style, with the energy elevating to a whole new place! *As he gives himself goosebumps just thinking about it*
So when you think of our running Q (when the person you originally identified did or said what they did or said, and you described feeling as you did), what need/s of yours were unmet by that persons behavior?
Are you seeing what I mean about the power of recognizing & acknowledging ours and other people’s true values (aka needs)? Here’s a list to play with (Fun, Play, Caring, Compassion, Community, Companionship, Creativity, Joy, Exploration, Discovery, Growth, Love, Understanding, Support, Recognition, Acknowledgment, Validation, Certainty, Variety, Significance, Connection, Contribution, Respect, Inclusion, Equality, Acceptance, etc)
Reminder: Our needs are universal (meaning other people are not included…eg Some folks say “I have a need for my husband to LOVE me”, and I gently suggest that the need is LOVE and the preferred vehicle is a certain behavior, from a certain person…make sense?)
So plugging today’s FUN into our sample observation, we now have “When you show up after the agreed time, I feel frustrated (hurt, irritated, agitated, distressed), because my needs for courtesy & respect aren’t being met…”
MAKE THAT CHANGE takeaway:
(1) Our needs (values) are universal
(2) When we connect with our needs, it’s powerful
(3) Need serving action comes from values awareness
(4) Go from “When you” to “I feel” to “because my need(s)”
*We have emotions in every moment (but we seem to imply that people are only feeling deeply moved when we use the word ’emotional’. So what do you say we offer some clarity to an already less than clear landscape, by including all emotions?)
“We’ve become quite habitual at behaving in ways that are quite unnatural” ~Mohandas Gandhi
See ya tomorrow for Day 4 (<- Click here when you come back) 😉 Q’s or thoughts? Use the tag #MTC4Days (MTC challenge: Think of two needs that you have that are met daily, and think of two values (needs) of yours that are not being honored as much as you would like. Jot all four of them down)
#MTC4Days Bonus: Wanna learn how to ‘say NO with compassion’? You ready? Hold onto something :-)…to say no with compassion, never use the word ‘no’ 😉 *As they think to themselves WTF?*
Here goes…Say the need that prevents you from saying YES! Let me repeat that SAY THE NEED THAT PREVENTS YOU FROM SAYING YES! (“My need to honor a previous commitment prevents me from saying Yes”, “My need to follow my heart prevents me from saying Yes”)…here’s the dealio (Using the Law of Attraction & the Transitive Property): When you use the word ‘no’ it attracts less than positive energy, though it can be very effective in getting your point across (& very empowering if you haven’t used it much)! Saying the need that prevents you from saying Yes, is a ‘no’. It just attracts a whole different ethos…try it out, and LMK how it goes?
In case you needed a little extra #EmotionalRocketFuel, here’s a reminder of the BIG reason WHY we are here (As Michael takes Gandhi’s declaration and turns it into a personal proclamation…Btw, am I the only one who didn’t realize this song was about Gandhi’s philosophy?):